Dodson Productions

This question popped in my brain last night as I cried at a concert for probably only the second time in my entire life. Standing there and experiencing that moment was only the second most confusing part of the evening. 

I used to be this very optimistic and outgoing person. I like to still consider myself outgoing, but not in the brutally honest way I used to be. I began to think back to my least outgoing self. Freshman year of high school me was very shy. Lets just all agree that middle school freaking sucks. 

So I switched school for high school and ended up in a place where everyone was happy and bubbly and outgoing all the time. I had to relearn that entire part of my identity. Most of that came from making friends with a boy that I am still very close with today. He also had a crush on me. That’ll come into play later. 

I texted him something last night. I texted him an apology. As I stood in that exact spot last night, I realized just how difficult being friends and seeing me every day had to have been for him when he had a crush on me. Especially when I confirmed the fact that I didn’t reciprocate his feelings. 

I finally got it. For the first time since I met him all those years ago, I felt so selfish for hurting him the way I did. Feeling that way sucks and it never gets easier. Trust me. I wish I could go back to that younger version of myself and tell her just how much that part of her life would impact her as an adult. But that’s the point of growing up, I guess. We never know what parts of our journey will become important later. It’s like a guessing game of our own life’s possible foreshadowing. It is so pathetic.

I am so pathetic. 

You grow up. You’re told things you don’t wanna be told. You hear things you probably shouldn’t. And it causes so many whirlwinds of emotions to whip around inside your heart. Then, you keep all those whirlwinds and things you’ve been told and things you shouldn’t have heard. You keep it all to yourself. And it hurts you. 

So why do we have to feel all these emotions so heavily? And if we have to feel them, why does it have to hurt so much? I guess we’ll never know…